A Lesson I didn't expect

I started this post back about a week or so after my last post. Can that really be 6 months ago. Life goes by so quickly, I'm not even sure who'll read this post but I thought I'd write anyway. This last few months has been filled with lot's of activities, joy, and trials.

The day after we got back from our very fun filled trip to Disneyland, I landed in the emergency room with a new complication to my on going chronic illness. This newest complication was something that we hadn't experienced and we were faced with many unknowns. One of the things I do when I'm faced with a new trial in my life is ask Brett to take me to the beach. Something about the beach brings me close to God, sitting in the middle of the sand and watching his power displayed in the ocean it just brings me peace.

This visit was a bit different though. Back in August part of my complications was my right lung cavity filled with fluid and I couldn't breathe very well. So instead of my walk I usually take I sat and took pictures of my husband and daughter play in the waves. It gave me joy to watch them, because seeing the bond between them is such a gift for all 3 of us.

It wasn't until I got home until and looked through the photos that I discovered a lesson from God. At first the pictures showed me how Brinn had grown to love and trust Brett.....

When they first met Brinn was very cautious about her trust with Brett. She allowed very little contact. Then over time she would sit closer to him and even put his hand on his leg or maybe hold his hand. Testing to see how he would respond.

Then as time passed she began to sit in his lap, or asking him to play with her by wrestling or playing tug a war. Brett always allowing her to ask for the contact never pushing his love on her.

Then came the day when she started to hug him, and asking him to carry her, even to the point of falling asleep while he carried her or as she slept on his lap.

Then the day came, when she started to run to him and hug him, the day she asked him if she told him she just wanted to call him Daddy. Over the years she has grown closer and now knows her earthly father was given to her by God and the he will do whatever he can to protect her and love her. That even though she's not his biologically that she's his daughter not just by adoption but by the love in his heart for her.

When I saw these pictures I first thought what a beautiful picture of how they have grown together, and was thanking God for answering a prayer beyond what I could have ever imagined. Then God spoke softly and sweetly to me, "do you see the other picture I'm showing you. Look again there is something more in those pictures." I stared at these pictures there it was the lesson God was showing me.

This was my relationship with God. When I first came to the Lord, I was in turmoil, a new Christian with no understanding really of who and how powerful our God is. (I'm still learning that) So I reached out to him cautiously but desperately hoping he would respond to my cries. As my relationship has grown with God he's patiently waited as I learned to trust an rely on him, and learning how to rest in him.

Honestly it's something I learn to do everyday. The fall came with many new challenges for us. Brinn's little school suddenly had to make changes into the teaching staff right before school, sending a wave of unsure time through the kids, and the parents. Then October and November brought Brett 3 root canals and one of them abscessed causing him great amounts of pain. Which forced us into a spot of having to bring Brett through a time of using pain killers in a way that was safe. Not to mention the amount of money that those can cost and no dental insurance. God was faithful and carried us over those trials. Christmas quiet and fun, then New Years morning was an unexpected challenge arose. I ended up being taken from the house in an ambulance and was admitted to the hospital for a ruptured blood vessel in my esophagus and what given a transfusion for blood loss, as well as being in the hospital for 4 days.

So as I sat home, and recovering from my second surgical procedure to repair the damaged vein, I kept thinking of these pictures. Especially the last one, I just need to run into God's arms and let him lift me above the waves. He has blessed me in amazing ways, Brett, Brinn and I had so much support we couldn't have asked for anything more. Brinn always has safe and loving people who will pick her up, take her over night, spend time with her. Even her sweet friends running up to me and telling me they were glad to see me and asking me if I'd be okay. That Brinn could come stay overnight at there house too. Friends bringing soup, praying for us, checking on Brett. Of course our family here at the drop of a hat.

I'm not sure what trial you maybe facing but I know that God is waiting for you to run into His arms so He can hold you and keep you safe. The trial doesn't always go away. My health has been a trial for 9 years this month, one that God has been right by my side through. For whatever reason he has chosen to leave this illness in my life. I've learned to not ask God for reasons, just to ask that he use it to glorify Him, and when that time is done that He remove this disease from my body.

So hear is my verse I keep it close to me, may it bring you peace.

The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble.

He cares for those who trust in him... Nahum 1:7

Be back soon,

Carol

Family Matters - Chapter 5

I'm slowly catching up on my posts for Tuesday's Yes to God Book Study. I'm actually in the same week as the chapter. Next week I will hopefully be closer to on time. So if this is your first visit to my blog. Welcome. Yes to God is hosted by Lelia at Write From the Heart, you can cruise over to her blog and see other's thoughts on the book too. The book you may have guessed is An Untroubled Heart by Micca Campbell you can stop by her sight as well.

So let's start this chapter addressed our fears as it relates to our family. Okay I know I say I find tons in every chapter, but this one I think Micca wrote it for me. In the beginning she shares a prayer she wrote in her journal asking God to care and protect her children, and she expresses her great love for her children, a love she didn't know was possible to have. I remember when Brinn was a new born in the hospital with me. I had to stay 4 nights how I would just stare at her in wonder and amazement of how much I loved her. I was content to just hold her and watch her sleep. I was a one month old Christian, and I remember praying for God to protect us, provide for us, and to show me how to be the mother that would please him.

Micca shared a quote from Bible teacher Adrian Rogers that just completely soothed my fearful heart. "The Holy Spirit finds the desire of God and puts that desire in our hearts. When we pray for what's been laid on our hearts, it goes right back to heaven in agreement with God's will." When Brinn was born, I was a new mom, and as I've shared before about to become a single mom, and a newborn myself in Christ. I didn't know really how to pray, but I knew my desire was to raise Brinn to know Jesus and to raise her in according to how God would want me to. I only knew one scripture verse by heart. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. This was what I would repeat over and over, and I've clung to this verse ever since. God is constantly answering my prayer, the same prayer I still pray today. Teach me to be the mother (and now wife) you want me to be, so people will see you in me and in my family.

Micca asks us do we parent out of fear or faith? I thought about this for a long time. I will be honest most of the time it's been fear, but I'm learning more and more how to parent on faith. Micca said (and I can't phrase it better than this) "A mom's most precious treasure is her family. I know. I'm a wife and a mother. I can't think of anything in this world that I love more or would fight for more than my family." Speak the truth sister. "The battle is on" Micca says as we go up against the many outside influences that seek to steal our children's hearts and minds. This world is scary and dangerous and with out a firm foundation for our children a place of safety and comfort from the evil ruler in this world who wants to succeed in pulling our children away from us and Jesus.

God though is our "Master Builder" Psalm 127 "provides us with the tools we need to build a home that is protected, peaceful, prosperous, and pleasing to the Lord: Unless the Lord builds the house it's builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain."

We need to give our families and our home to the Lord, so that we don't get in God's way with our ideas of how to build a secure and safe home. Without God what we build is really just a facade like on the back of an old movie lot. Looks great from the outside, but when you walk through the door, there is no house just a false front put up to look good. "We let our anxieties about family get in the way of God's building work." There is no safety from the storms, no walls to keep the things that you want to stay out away, just a false sense of a home. "When we let fear get in the way, it's like trying to build without the correct materials. It's only when we place our rusty hammers and saws in God's hands that He is able to do what we fail to do in our best human efforts."

I remember when Brinn was small I had fears. Those fears were easily removed because she was little and she fully dependent on me. You are their protector and their comfort. Everything you say is right, their opinions are minimal mostly to their foods, and they love to hug you. Brinn would give me these hugs with her whole little body. She'd wrap her legs around my rib cage, her arms around my neck and squeeze with all her might. It was such a sweet loving way of expressing how much she loved me. At this age it was so much easier to keep the ugly of the world out.

(she was a little chunk of love)

Now though she's headed for preteen. Brinn will be 10 in June, and is full of questions, opinions, and even though she goes to a small private Christian School is still exposed to the draws of the worlds. She also is a great observer, she watches and listens to everyone around her, including us. Brinn has experienced much in her short 10 years, she's sees her mama go through extreme health issues, she's lost to divorce first a father, then a step mom, 1/2 brother, and step sister, who she misses. I got remarried, and we went from the two of us to the three of us. She went through Brett's addiction as well as his recovery and watched his redemption, and then her adoption by Brett. Through this whole time she was watching me and Brett and how we handle things, what did we teach her?

"We teach our children fear instead of faith when we try to live in our own strength instead of depending on God's ability." Honestly through most of the last 10 years I believe that she has seen more faith than fear. I find it easier to give my problems and desperate times over to God, but when it comes to giving control over to my Heavenly Father of Brinn I falter.

Where my fear comes in that God has been working on is wanting to protect Brinn from the pain I felt as a child and mistakes I made growing up. I Fear Junior High School, and all the changes that come with it. Let's face it she's not my little chunky monkey she was in the picture above. This is Brinn just a few weeks ago.

She picks her own clothes (she has full leggins on though) has her own taste in music, and her own ideas and intrests. I see a lot of me in her, and that SCARES me. This is where I must turn all of my fears over to the Lord, and God is teaching me that He will walk with my daughter. Remember those bodyguards from the last chapter Goodness and Mercy, well God's given Brinn those bodyguards to.

Paul writes "If God is for us, who can be against us? -- Romans 8:31, then Micca reminds us if we claim this verse we must live it out, in all things. "Our children shouldn't see fear in us. We can't say with our mouths that we trust God and contradict that trust with our actions."

So now I'm adding to my simple prayer, asking God to teach me when "to guard and not to guard, when to protect and not to protect, and when to trade fear for faith" and to continue to help me teach her in your ways. I love Micca's advice about teaching our children "how to use God's Word as a handbook for decision making." Teaching Brinn Philippians 4:8 is already been set in motion.

It was a hard for me when I realized that going to public school in Jr. High was part of God's plan for Brinn. I had wanted her to go to a private Christian Jr. High and High school. I pushed that on her which put a lot of pressure on her regarding school, and on us financially. I was afraid of the environment, afraid of the agendas being pushed out here. Then God reminded me "Carol I'm bigger than the public school agendas and systems" oh yes, my God is Big, and Goodness and Mercy are with my Brinn. Yes Brinn , will feel lonely the first few weeks of school, because she won't know anyone then she'll have fights with her friends, and encounter "sandpaper people". I won't know every teacher in the school or every child that she spends her day with, but God will and I know He loves Brinn more deeply than I ever can imagine. She will come home with ideas and wants that we'll disagree over, but that's part of her growing and part of me learning to let her become the person God needs her to be.

Lord I love you, and I'm grateful for the way you live with us in our home everyday. I know that you walk with us, and ahead of us wherever we go and wherever we are headed. Lord give the strength and courage not to try and take control of your work. I want you as my Master Builder, you as the rock our family and faith is built upon. I know that you have a plan for each member of my family, and your plans are always for your glory, and what is right for us. Thank you Father. Amen

Love,

Carol

Happy Adoption Anniversary

It's hard to believe it's been 1 year since Brett's adoption of our daughter Brinn was finalized by the judge. Yes 1 year ago today on April 1st, 2008 Brinn was legally recognized by the government law as Brinn's Father. (No Foolin) A position that God had actually given and granted him 5 years earlier. I wanted to share pictures of that moment with you.

This is us in the judges chambers. She did all the adoptions. Brett's mom was there along with my friend Cynde, and Kim. Kim's two daughters went to school with Brinn and were adopted by Kim and her husband 2 years earlier, so she took them out of school that morning so they could be there to support Brinn. How sweet is that.

Here we are signing the papers. The judge asked Brinn if she wanted to have Brett adopt her and she said yes, he's already my daddy anyway.

Kim gave this bear to Brinn with a little shirt that says Happy Adoption Day, Brinn, and the date, the bears name is April. The judge had a bookshelf full of stuffed animals and little toys. When the adoption was complete and Brett was all signed up as official daddy. The judge let the 3 girls each pick a toy from the shelf.

Here we are with the judge. The stuffy Brinn picked is her monkey Momo. He's been her best bud this last year. Tonight we are off to Chili's Brinn's favorite restaurant to celebrate. I imagine Momo will come too. God has blessed us greatly.

When Brinn and I were on our own, I had accepted that it would probably be just her and I. I knew that God would be our husband and father. But God went beyond that. He answered my prayer that Brinn wouldn't have to endure a life of going back and forth between me and her bio father. He provided Brinn a whole family, and when Brett turned his life over to the Lord allowed him the sealing of our family through an earthly venue, and showed us His blessing over our family.

One of the hardest things we faced when we started the adoption process was telling Brinn that Pat had released his rights as her father. She hadn't seen him in almost 3 years, but the words that came from her broke my heart. She said with tears welling up in her eyes "He gave me away". At only 7 years old she figured out. Brinn was hurt and just didn't understand how come Pat didn't want to be with me and her. "Why didn't he want to be with us Mommy." Not an easy question to answere.

Through the adoption the Lord also provided something else that Brinn needed. That was a commitment to her that Brett loved her just for her, not because she came as part of the deal when he married me. It showed her that he would not leave her, that he choose her to be his daughter. Just as God our Father chooses us to be His children. Since that day Brinn's attachment and love for her daddy has changed. She grew to love Brett, but now she's different with him. She doesn't keep a distance between them, she's learning to trust her dad, that his commitment to her is real. I pray that she gives that same trust to her Heavenly Father.

Thank you Lord for your blessing of love upon my family.

I'm going to double up on my Yes to God posts. Things have been busy here. So I'll be by in the next few days to read your posts.

Love,

Carol

Autoimmune Hepatitis update and Prayer request.

Seven and a half years ago I was diagnosed with a illness called Autoimmune Hepatitis. Without to much detail and explanation my immune system attacks my liver, no one really knows why.
When the diagnosis first came I was in what the call hepatic failure, a fancy term that meant my liver had stopped functioning, and I am blessed to be hear writing this today. This is a long story and one I'll share later, but needless to say God answered my prayer and allowed me to stay with my sweet then 18 month old little girl. At the time I was a single mommy and having her live with her bio father was something I couldn't see as a good option. My prayer to God then was take everything else, but let me stay with Brinn. He blessed me back in ways I never imagined.

So over the last seven and a half years, I have had my ups and downs with my illness. When my body goes through a AIH flair up, I get very fatigued and because of the medicines I take to keep my immune system suppressed I catch a lot of colds, along with other side effects the medicine causes. When I was first diagnosed Dr. F told my sister and I that we needed to talk about a transplant. Then as Doc said by some miracle I was able to avoid that procedure at the time.

The last couple of years especially this year has been tough on my system,a lot of colds and flu this past year, and a hospital visit for a blood transfusion due to a rupture in my throat. My liver tests haven't been the same since. I have a very aggressive case, and take a higher than average dose of a drug called Imuran and a smaller dose of Prednisone, I've never been off my meds the one time we lowered my current dosage I bumped higher than Doc was willing to risk in 2 week period, and went straight back to my normal dose.

I have had a blood test every month since January, and the numbers went up (bad) and then started back down (good), but this last month I knew something was off, so when I went in for my test the 31st of July, I expected a little bump. What I got was a jolt, the highest they've been in probably 6 years. I was shocked, and so was Doc. Why we don't know. I've been resting, not over doing it not getting sick. I mean going 1 month with out a cold this year was a record. So he bumped up one of my meds (predinsone) and I had another test yesterday.

Brett and I've been a bit freaked out this week, lots of prayers and trying to lean on the Lord for peace, knowing that this didn't catch God by surprise, but our human brain keeps wanting to know what's next.

I got my test back and my test results, are lower, and that's good, that means the medicine is reducing the inflammation. However Doc called me he only calls when he's got the this is not a routine just stay on the meds and test in a month kind of thing. Those he emails me.

It seems that after talking with his colleague that I need to start preparing for the idea of a liver transplant. See back in the beginning my liver rated on a scale from 1-4 for the need for transplant at a 3. Now they believe that the damage sustained at the time of the hepatic failure has been added to and that's why my liver is getting larger again. Which means it maybe that I'm come up on the time to be a transplant candidate.

We don't know of course, I have another blood test in 2 weeks, and then 2 more weeks. This could go on for another year, or more, they could decide to send me in a few weeks. That we didn't get a clear picture of.

It's been 7 years, and a lot has happened in that time. I met and married Brett, we went through some pretty rough stuff, when his need to go into drug recovery came out. (again another story) I've watch Brett grow from a man who had never opened a Bible to a man who is never without one, and constantly hungry to learn more of God's word. He adopted Brinn in April, and he is what I like to call an Ephesians 5 husband, he strives to love me and Brinn as God has called him to do.

God knows all things and he prepares the path before we ever walk it. He prepares it for us down to every detail. Seven years in the Bible means completion. Seven years ago if I had to face a transplant it would have been a much different story. My family was my stronghold during that time, they gave so much of themselves to me and Brinn to care for us. But I believe that God has prepared Brett to be the husband and the father he'll need to be should this transplant be the Lords will. God has surrounded us not only with my family, but Brett's, our church family who carried Brinn and I through prayerfully, lovingly, and financially, and now friends who have been there to help us in our time of need and offer Brinn a safe and fun place to be.

We would appreciate your prayers, pray for God's healing power, pray that we will be strengthened through the waiting and unknowing and rest in God's arm's. Pray for Brinn as we rearrange her routine, to help my body to recover from this episode, pray that she will see our faith in Jesus and that hers will grow. Pray for us to be content with God's will, and to be ready to do whatever his will and plan is. Check back here for more updates

Thanks,
Carol