Yesterday was the day for our blog bible study with the say Yes to God study on Lisa Whittles book Behind Those Eyes. (see sidebar for more info). Chapter 1 is you guessed it The Truth Hurts. Lisa shares about being honest and authentic, in our lives. Authentic in our relationships with people and with God. So all day I thought about what was authentic, and what it looked like in my life. This morning as I prayed some more about it the Holy Spirit led me to the painful truth, authentic is not who I am most of the time.
Lisa's question in the book was what does authentic mean to me. For me it means showing your true self with all your vulnrabilities and sharing your trials, letting people see past your exterior "I'm fine, how are you" self and be willing to show people your imperfections. That doesn't mean you have to go around telling everyone you meet all your problems, but to build meaningful, trustfull, and lasting relationships you have to be authentic. I can honestly say I have few people I've been able to do with this. One is my husband. That is important to me, it's actually something we didn't always have.
The Great Charade is Part One with the first 5 Chapters. In the first chapter Lisa (her words in purple) talks about how we pretend to be people we are not. These are some quotes from her book "We cover our weaknesses and heartaches with immaculately groomed clothes and manufactured conversations. (this is one of my specialties) We impersonate the females we want to be --carefree, fun loving, deeply spiritual, genuinely caring, supportive, capable, strong, assertive, put together, and ridiculously happy--rather than the women we really are. (Done all that)
Infact, what is really going on inside our souls is so cavernous that we fear anyone who enters its depths would never again see the light of day. (If you really knew me you I'm afraid you wouldn't want to be my friend) So we put up the barricades, allowing very few to penetrate the walls we've erected around us as a means of self-protection.
Why do we do it? We lack honesty and authenticity, and our past experiences lead us to believe it is in our best interests to keep our true feelings hidden. (This is me if you don't get close to me I can control the amount of hurt you can do)
This rang volumes to me. I've read this part over and over and said that's me, and it hurt. I spent the morning crying and asking God to clean out my heart and teach me to be authentic to let people know me. Let me know them. I kept hearing the Challenge voice over and over "What your after is the truth from inside out." Psalm 51:6 Msg.
Truthfully this is something God's been bringing to light in my heart for the last 2 years. If you had asked me 2 years ago if I had a lot of friends who I could talk to I would have said sure. But then one day in one of the most painful trials the truth started to come out. Brett had gone into a day treatment program for his drug addiction and was to be there 7 days a week for 3 1/2 weeks. I had called my sister and talked with her, but this was something she'd never delt with, but she gave us support and love and offered to have Brinn for the weekend so we could talk through things when Brett was home.
The hidden drug addiction had been revealed in a very public way, that set a ripple through our work place. I knew people would be watching, and I was feeling very stupid and humiliatied. Then Satuday we went to the family day, where you learn about what the family can do, and all that good codependency stuff. We had an excersize that day that was about communication, it was actually a turning point for us, we were both authentic that day in a room full of other strangers, but they understood, and were all there for very similar reasons. God revealed to me the night before that I needed to confront Brett about pornography and lust. I didn't want to, but during the class I told him I needed him to be honest about everything he'd been doing. Later after the class he told me he'd been going on websites for as long as we'd been married, and was into other porn before we meet. It was one of the most painful and honest conversations we'd ever had. It opened up painful doors in my past, and I realized God was going to do some pruning.
Sunday came, I leave for church the same church I've been going to for 6 years, and it hits me. Who am I going to sit with? Would they ask me where Brett was, only 3 people knew what had happened over the week and none of them would be there. I didn't have Brinn so I didn't have the ability to distract myself with her. So I went down to the kids area to see if a friend that I use to spend time with was there. She was I started talking and it just started comming out, she was loving, and she did sit with me, but she had a very busy family life and that was about the extent of what she was able to give. The next couple weeks as Brett spent 8 hours a day in treatment, I tried to live life as normal as possible. Then the realization came to Brett that I was slowly slipping inside myself. I'll never forget him saying why don't you call someone, I looked him straight in the eye and said I don't have any friends, and broke down and cried.
God did provide for me a safe place, and some extrodinary women who helped me to open up at least that section of my life. But it wasn't until about the end of last year that God slowly speaking the truth to me, I didn't have the friendships I desired because I hadn't let anyone past my very strong barricade. Yes I'm a great pretender.
Lisa asked what is our greatest soul craving. I long for close female friendship, I've had it in the past, and I miss it deeply. It's something I think most women want, but are afraid to go get. It's so much harder to grow and nurture friendships when your married, working, busy mom, and add all other kind of things we do to fill our time. God created women to be caring and nuturing not just to our husbands and children but to each other. So now I'm praying for God to give me courage to reach out and be a friend, to break down my walls, and grow the friendships in my life.
Yes the truth hurt, it hurt to know that I had no deep friendships, because I hadn't offered any. It hurt to find out about my husbands addictions, yet through that God healed, changed, and grew my marriage. Is it perfect nooooo, but it's better and deeper.
So as we go along in this study, I'm praying that God will remove my masks, and show me how to love me for me, and let people see more of the real me.
Showing posts with label Addiction hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Addiction hope. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Witnessing Transformation & Redemption
"Oh what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven. Whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived incomplete honesty! When I refused to confess my sin, my body was wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord' and you forgave me! All my guilt is gone." Psalm 32:16
This picture of us was taken of us in February of 2006, at a Third Day Concert. Why such an old picture, well this one has a lot of meaning to me. See this picture reminds me that you can bring people to church, christian concerts, bible studies, and every other kind of event, but only God can transform them and call them to Him. That was me. In this picture I was completely unaware that my husband Brett, was addicted to vicodin, smoking cigarettes, binging and purging food and adult Internet sites. He went to church with me, and would go on church activities, but he couldn't see what I saw the unending love, grace, and forgiveness of my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ, no matter how much I wanted him too.
So fast forward to August 21, 2006 I'm home sick and I get a call from a friend and she tells me she's convinced that Brett had stolen her pain medication. She told me exactly why, and part of me screamed no this can't be, but deep in my heart I knew she was right. See it wasn't that he didn't have a history with drugs, I knew that, but I also knew over the last few months that things were definitely wrong. Our family was living in the same house, but Brett was always isolated from us. He was moody, and quick to anger, always up late at night, but I couldn't figure it out. Money was disappearing but not lots at one time. What could it be. Brett was always seem to be in some kind of pain, and a few days before that he'd gotten a prescription of 100 vicodin from the doctor, when my friend called I checked the bottle in the cabinet and there were only about 10 left. I fell to my knees and said God save my husband, save my family, only you can turn this around. God answered my prayers.
That night with Pastor Chris from our church we sat at the table and I listened to Brett tell us that there was no hope for him, that he was worthless, my heart broke. You see I know that even through all this that Brett loved Brinn and I, but he hated himself, and the deeper he got the more shame and hate he felt for himself. Brett's addictions came out in a way that there was no avoiding our employers and fellow employees not to know. It was like God said I'm going to show it all so you can't hide anymore. Ever merciful though God has given us a boss that gave Brett great support and encouraged him to get help and his job would be waiting for him. Brett entered treatment for his chemical addiction, a program that in total lasted 15 months.
Our friends, and family supported us too, and Brinn spent the first 3 weekends with friends and family as we needed time to get through some pretty emotional stuff. For me the drugs, and food was not as hard to get through as the Internet stuff. That truth came out the first Saturday, and it was like a hot sword pierced my heart and sole. My battle with that I will share another time, but with much prayer and a some good friends (I love you Wendy & Kendle) our marriage has been strengthened and my relationship with Jesus is even deeper as he showed me pain buried deep inside of me that I had never really looked at before.
So by the 12 step recovery world Brett sobriety birthday would be August 22nd. But today, is the day we Celebrate because today September 2 is Brett's 2 year re-birthday. It was two years ago today that while at a recovery church event called The Bridge at Abundant Life Church where God used a pastor name Darryl Pearson, to show Brett that he loves him with all the his filth and shame, it was that night where I actually watched the light of Jesus and the Holy Spirit fill Brett up. It had been such a draining 2 weeks, withdrawal pain, emotional pain, embarrassment, you name it we went through it. Right there that night Brett was saved and the transformation began. It's been one of the most amazing things that God has ever blessed me to watch. We came out of there that night singing and praising God truly together for the first time.
I use to pray that Brett might find some interest in the Bible, Darryl talked about the Life Recovery Bible that night, and the next day after I picked up Brett from his program he said I want that Bible. I called the book store they had it, and I drove and picked it up for him. He started reading, and he's never stopped. Then it was sermons, instead of surfing the net for the nasties (as we refer to it) he started searching for pastors that he'd heard on the radio, he started a purity group and studied Every Mans Battle. He loved to talk about the scriptures, and wanted to share so much. His heart was not only on his forgiveness, but he wanted to learn how to be a husband and God had designed it, and what it meant to be the spiritual leader of the family. Memorizing scriptures for when he'd feel temptations, and praying openly in church. He now sits with a concordance studies a book of the bible, and has two teaching sermons that he listens too. He works most of the day either with his Ipod playing a sermon or the bible on cd. With a few soundtrack scores mixed in. He's always in the word.
So tonight we reflected on the last 2 years, and Brett led the two of us in Communion. It was amazing, and another first in our marriage. We both feel so extremely blessed by the work the Lord has done in our family. Brett's adoption of Brinn this year was a special blessing from the Lord sealing us into one family. Just as he seals us into his kingdom when we accept his mercy, love and salvation that He gave us when He died on the cross.
We have so much to learn, and thankfully God is soooooo patient. Because believe me we still are dealing with these fleshly sinful bodies, but we are transformed in to the likeness of Jesus, and everyday we want to be more like him and less like we use to be.
So this is Brett now, well this past Saturday, he's becoming the husband and father God told me he'd be. I just had to get out of the way, and wait on God's timing. "Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing loves surrounds those who trust the Lord. So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him! So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him! Shout for joy, all you whose hears are pure." Psalm 32:10-11
This picture of us was taken of us in February of 2006, at a Third Day Concert. Why such an old picture, well this one has a lot of meaning to me. See this picture reminds me that you can bring people to church, christian concerts, bible studies, and every other kind of event, but only God can transform them and call them to Him. That was me. In this picture I was completely unaware that my husband Brett, was addicted to vicodin, smoking cigarettes, binging and purging food and adult Internet sites. He went to church with me, and would go on church activities, but he couldn't see what I saw the unending love, grace, and forgiveness of my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ, no matter how much I wanted him too.So fast forward to August 21, 2006 I'm home sick and I get a call from a friend and she tells me she's convinced that Brett had stolen her pain medication. She told me exactly why, and part of me screamed no this can't be, but deep in my heart I knew she was right. See it wasn't that he didn't have a history with drugs, I knew that, but I also knew over the last few months that things were definitely wrong. Our family was living in the same house, but Brett was always isolated from us. He was moody, and quick to anger, always up late at night, but I couldn't figure it out. Money was disappearing but not lots at one time. What could it be. Brett was always seem to be in some kind of pain, and a few days before that he'd gotten a prescription of 100 vicodin from the doctor, when my friend called I checked the bottle in the cabinet and there were only about 10 left. I fell to my knees and said God save my husband, save my family, only you can turn this around. God answered my prayers.
That night with Pastor Chris from our church we sat at the table and I listened to Brett tell us that there was no hope for him, that he was worthless, my heart broke. You see I know that even through all this that Brett loved Brinn and I, but he hated himself, and the deeper he got the more shame and hate he felt for himself. Brett's addictions came out in a way that there was no avoiding our employers and fellow employees not to know. It was like God said I'm going to show it all so you can't hide anymore. Ever merciful though God has given us a boss that gave Brett great support and encouraged him to get help and his job would be waiting for him. Brett entered treatment for his chemical addiction, a program that in total lasted 15 months.
Our friends, and family supported us too, and Brinn spent the first 3 weekends with friends and family as we needed time to get through some pretty emotional stuff. For me the drugs, and food was not as hard to get through as the Internet stuff. That truth came out the first Saturday, and it was like a hot sword pierced my heart and sole. My battle with that I will share another time, but with much prayer and a some good friends (I love you Wendy & Kendle) our marriage has been strengthened and my relationship with Jesus is even deeper as he showed me pain buried deep inside of me that I had never really looked at before.
So by the 12 step recovery world Brett sobriety birthday would be August 22nd. But today, is the day we Celebrate because today September 2 is Brett's 2 year re-birthday. It was two years ago today that while at a recovery church event called The Bridge at Abundant Life Church where God used a pastor name Darryl Pearson, to show Brett that he loves him with all the his filth and shame, it was that night where I actually watched the light of Jesus and the Holy Spirit fill Brett up. It had been such a draining 2 weeks, withdrawal pain, emotional pain, embarrassment, you name it we went through it. Right there that night Brett was saved and the transformation began. It's been one of the most amazing things that God has ever blessed me to watch. We came out of there that night singing and praising God truly together for the first time.
I use to pray that Brett might find some interest in the Bible, Darryl talked about the Life Recovery Bible that night, and the next day after I picked up Brett from his program he said I want that Bible. I called the book store they had it, and I drove and picked it up for him. He started reading, and he's never stopped. Then it was sermons, instead of surfing the net for the nasties (as we refer to it) he started searching for pastors that he'd heard on the radio, he started a purity group and studied Every Mans Battle. He loved to talk about the scriptures, and wanted to share so much. His heart was not only on his forgiveness, but he wanted to learn how to be a husband and God had designed it, and what it meant to be the spiritual leader of the family. Memorizing scriptures for when he'd feel temptations, and praying openly in church. He now sits with a concordance studies a book of the bible, and has two teaching sermons that he listens too. He works most of the day either with his Ipod playing a sermon or the bible on cd. With a few soundtrack scores mixed in. He's always in the word.
So tonight we reflected on the last 2 years, and Brett led the two of us in Communion. It was amazing, and another first in our marriage. We both feel so extremely blessed by the work the Lord has done in our family. Brett's adoption of Brinn this year was a special blessing from the Lord sealing us into one family. Just as he seals us into his kingdom when we accept his mercy, love and salvation that He gave us when He died on the cross.
We have so much to learn, and thankfully God is soooooo patient. Because believe me we still are dealing with these fleshly sinful bodies, but we are transformed in to the likeness of Jesus, and everyday we want to be more like him and less like we use to be.
So this is Brett now, well this past Saturday, he's becoming the husband and father God told me he'd be. I just had to get out of the way, and wait on God's timing. "Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing loves surrounds those who trust the Lord. So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him! So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him! Shout for joy, all you whose hears are pure." Psalm 32:10-11
If you read this and your hurting from addictions and betrayal from someone you love I will share my story with you. God brings us through trials so that He can strengthen us, and help strengthen others. My husband shares his story openly, he believes that it's important no to hide behind his faith, but to share what his God can do when you turn your life over to him. Be blessed and know that there is hope his name is JESUS!
Carol
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